‘나도 성결함을 사모하게 됐어요’

기장신앙촌에서의 경험으로
하나님의 말씀이 항상
내 마음을 사로잡게 돼

지금 제 기억 속의 기장신앙촌은 멋진 곳으로 남아있습니다. 뉴욕에 살면서 독립적인 생활에 익숙했던 저는 저에게 많은 관심을 보이며 신경 써주시던 신앙촌 사람들이 굉장히 새로웠습니다. 게다가 신앙촌은 확고한 믿음의 생활로 이루어진 무척이나 아름다운 곳임이 느껴졌습니다.

또한 기장신앙촌에서 연주를 할 수 있었던 것이 매우 기뻤습니다. 뉴욕에서도 끊임없이 연습을 했지만 저의 바이올린 연주가 맘에 든 적도, 연주가 끝나면 기분이 좋았던 적도 없었습니다. 연주를 하기 전, 긴장이 되어 잘 할 수 있도록 기도했던 것이 생각나는데, 이상하게도 기장신앙촌에서의 연주는 제가 유일하게 만족한 연주였습니다. 이번엔 연습했던 것보다 훨씬 잘 했을 뿐만 아니라 사람들이 칭찬을 해주어서 굉장히 기뻤습니다.

게다가 시온실고 학생들을 만난 것은 저에게 큰 자극이 되었습니다. 전 한번도 다른 사람에게 바이올린을 가르친 적이 없어서 이번 기회로 제가 바이올린을 좋아하는 이유를 다시금 발견하게 되었습니다. 시온실고 학생들은 정말 다정하고 친절 했는데, 떠나기 전에 다시 한번 본다는 약속을 지키지 못해서 미안한 마음이 들었습니다.

저는 신앙촌 장례반이신 나옥희 집사님과의 대화에서 영적인 돌파구를 경험했습니다. 생명물로 시신이 화한다는 것은 미리 들어 알고 있었지만, 그분의 경험담을 들으면서 그것이 진정 현실로 다가왔습니다. 저는 무척 충격을 받았고 숨이 막히면서 마치 불붙는 것 같은 느낌을 받았습니다. 그날은 하루 종일 지금까지 지은 죄를 생각하면서 우울해져 있었습니다. 그분과의 대화와 관장님들께 배운 말씀으로 저는 제 인생관과 신념을 다시금 돌아보게 되었습니다.

기장신앙촌에서의 경험은 미국에 돌아와서도 하루하루를 하나님과 성결한 삶의 의미에 대해 숙고하는 시간을 마련해 주었습니다. 눈으로도, 마음으로도, 생각으로도 죄를 짓지 않는 양심의 법은 나의 생각과 행동을 깨끗이 하는 기준으로 받아들여졌습니다. 외로움과 권태, 나쁜 습관들이 신앙 생활을 방해한다는 것을 이해하게 되었습니다.

이 짧은 글로 다 말하기엔 너무 많은 것을 배웠지만, 기장신앙촌에서의 배움으로 인해 제 인생의 순간순간을 성결하고 아름답게 살아야겠다고 다짐하게 되었습니다.

I would like to start this article by sincerely thanking all the guanjangneems who helped me with my stay at Gijang. I really appreciate the time they spent to arrange my schedule as well as the kindness they showed towards me even with the language barrier.

I wasn’t sure what to expect out of my stay at Gijang when I first arrived in Korea, but I have a wonderful impression of this place in my memories now. Living in New York, I was used to a strong sense of independence so I wasn’t used to having others worry about how I felt and I was surprised that people seemed to show an interest in me. I found Gijang to be an incredibly beautiful place with a lifestyle unified by a strong sense of belief.

I was also very happy to be able to perform at Gijang. No matter how much I practiced in New York, I have never liked the way I play the violin and I had never been happy after a performance. I remember being nervous before the performance and just praying to play well. I found it strange at first, but my performance at Gijang was the only performance I have ever liked. In performances, I usually shake a lot and find it hard to keep connected with the music, but I played the music better than in my practice and I was very happy to hear that people enjoyed the music. Meeting the high school students was also inspirational to me. I’ve never taught music to others and the experience helped to rediscover why I like playing the violin. I found them very sweet and friendly so I’m very sorry for breaking my promise to meet them before I left.

I didn’t meet them that day because I felt like I experienced a spiritual breakthrough when I spoke with Na Oh Ki, the mortician. Although I heard about the way corpses are beautified with holy water, but it became real to me when I heard her speak about her experiences. While hearing her speak, I was shocked to be overcome with this feeling as if I couldn’t breathe and were on fire. I spent the rest of the day overwhelmed by sadness thinking about the sins that I have committed to myself and to others. Speaking to her and my lessons with the guanjangneems have made me truly reevaluate my values and beliefs in the way I live my life.

The sense of unity and belief at Gijang was a powerful experience and since coming back to the states, I have spent everyday thinking about Hananeem and of what a pure life means. The lesson of achieving purity through the eyes, mind, and heart came across to me as a way to unify my thoughts and to express all of my actions only from pure intentions. It was through this first lesson that I understood more clearly that committing the same sin twice brings twofold the punishment as I gradually came to understand that acting without belief was a cause of loneliness, boredom, and bad habits in my life. When relating this to music, I realized that my mistakes came from a lack of focus and a lack of belief in my work. Although I learned too many things to write about them in a short article, all of lessons at Gijang made me realize that I should work to make every moment of my life as pure and as beautiful as I can.

Just before I left Busan, I took a boat ride with my mother, Min-Guanjangneem, and Choi-Guanjangneem. I was looking at how beautiful the water was as the texture and form of the surface changed so rapidly in so many different ways. I learned in my lessons that existence in Heaven is beautiful because everything is recreated at 144 times a second. While looking at the water I thought that Heaven must be more beautiful than the ocean so that the work I do and the adversities I go through are all made worthwhile.